SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect
angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end
points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog,
complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another
beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with
fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your
shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied
to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice
in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom
of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another
beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken
to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful
aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded
personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and
smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying
to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind
unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see,
just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't
recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong
party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice
improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to
the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar. |